5 Steps For Rebuilding Trust In A Marriage Following A Romance Scam

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5 Steps For Rebuilding Trust In A Marriage Following A Romance Scam

(Last Updated On: August 8, 2022)

5 Steps For Rebuilding Trust In A Marriage Following A Romance ScamScam A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime -  is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost.

Information For Married Relationship ScamRelationship Scam A Relationship Scam is a one-to-one criminal act that involves a trust relationship and uses deception & manipulation to get a victim to give to the criminal something of value, such as money! Click here to learn more: What Is A Relationship Scam? Victims

If You Are Married And Lured In Your Whole Marriage Is In Doubt

Ironically, most married scam victims were not looking for an internet affair! They were manipulated into it!

Married Scam Victims How Could You?

See below for the 5 Steps to Rebuilding Trust After a Romance Scam

It was because you were expertly lured and manipulated that it happened!

DO NOT BLAMEBlame Blame or Blaming is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong, their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. Blame imparts responsibility for an action or act, as in that they made a choice to perform that act or action. YOURSELF
DO NOT BLAME YOUR SPOUSE
BLAME THE SCAMMERScammer A Scammer or Fraudster is someone that engages in deception to obtain money or achieve another objective. They are criminals that attempt to deceive a victim into sending more or performing some other activity that benefits the scammer.!

This is the hardest part for spouses to understand: how could you be unfaithful? But as we have explained before, the victim was most often unaware that they were being groomed until it was too late. They were lured in and then manipulated by a process that victimized a million victims a year.

Wives, husbands, and family can believe what they want, but the vast majority of married victims do not intend to have an affair or relationship with someone new online. Their only intention was to talk with someone new – either out of curiosity, loneliness or for other reasons. But infidelity is normally never even considered until it happens.

This is actually quite different than in real life. In real life, a man or woman must make a conscious decision to be unfaithful – they have to willingly connect with the other person and then physically act on their desires. In digital life, once the victim says hello then the hard-core manipulation begins, and most victims are powerless to stop it.

DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND: EVERYONE CAN BE SCAMMED
MOST PEOPLE ARE POWERLESS TO STOP IT

We do understand the issues and the emotions involved by a spouse that found their mate – not only in an intimate relationship online – but also sending money to this stranger. These are real trust-breaking issues. But it is important to remember that major difference – intent and manipulation.

Spouses should be upset with the scammers, not their spouses!

However, coming back from the cliff is not easy, and we strongly recommend that the victim go through counselingCounseling Counseling is the professional guidance of the individual by utilizing psychological methods especially in collecting case history data, using various techniques of the personal interview, and testing interests and aptitudes. A mental health counselor (MHC), or counselor, is a person who works with individuals and groups to promote optimum mental and emotional health. Such persons may help individuals deal with issues associated with addiction and substance abuse; family, parenting, and marital problems; stress management; self-esteem; and aging. They may also work with "Social Workers", "Psychiatrists", and "Psychologists". SCARS does not provide mental health counseling. to clear the residual issues with the fake relationship, and then couples counseling to clear the air and make it clear that this was not an intention.

We encourage family members to learn and understand how these scamsScams A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime -  is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. work, just as they would if they were dealing with an addict in their family. Far too often the superficial impressions drive the feelings and emotions of spouses. It takes courage on both sides to accept what happened, that it was not intentional and that the marriage can remain intact. This is something that counseling can do very well.

We suggest the following SCARSSCARS SCARS - Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. A government registered crime victims' assistance & crime prevention nonprofit organization based in Miami, Florida, U.S.A. SCARS supports the victims of scams worldwide and through its partners in more than 60 countries around the world. Incorporated in 2015, its team has 30 years of continuous experience educating and supporting scam victims. Visit www.AgainstScams.org to learn more about SCARS. information – for the victim and their spouse – must read the first three of these:

Need Proof That This Is Engineered?

Actual scammer training guides – just the tip of the iceberg!

SCARS 5 Steps To Rebuilding Trust In A Marriage After A Romance Scam

Since we are all sinful dysfunctional people who at some time will prove ourselves to be untrustworthy, every important relationship in our life will require the rebuilding of trust at some point in time.

Sometimes it may only be a slight “remodeling” while at other times (such as after a romance scam) it will be a complete “rebuilding” process.

In some of our relationships, it may seem much easier to just cut and run. We decide the relationship isn’t worth the effort of rebuilding. And this may be true in some situations, but seldom is it ever true of marriage. You might even say that one of the purposes of marriage is to teach us how to rebuild trust when it is broken.

This is especially true following a romance scam since the lost trust was not intentional (in most cases). And was caused by a deliberate action by a malevolent third-part. You could say that this most resembles picking up the pieces after an accident. Would you abandon your spouse if they were in the emergency room following an accident that was not their fault? Why consider it now then?

Here are the steps to take when trust needs to be rebuilt.

STEP 1: A SINCERE CONFESSION OF THE TRUTH

The romance scam happened. We all know it did, but regardless of how one finds out, healing begins when the scam victim fully confesses the whole truth.

The whole truth does not mean every intimate detail — that puts too much of a burden on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. The rule of thumb on how much to confess is this:

If you want to seriously rebuild trust with a spouse, the scam victim must confess anything that, if it were to found out later, would undermine the rebuilding of trust.

If the spouse is dealing with a less painful betrayal, the principle is still the same. If any information has been withheld in the form of a secret, or if one spouse has been lied to about anything, the need for a sincere confession of the truth always marks the starting point. Without it, the spouse cannot move forward. Couples who try to sweep any kind of lie under the carpet risk lessening, or even losing, the intimacy they long for.

STEP 2: COMPLETE OPENNESS ON THE PART OF THE SCAM VICTIM (THE BETRAYER)

This is an essential part of the healing process.

The spouse who has had an internet affair (unintentional or not) has given up control of his or her life at least for as long as it takes to rebuild trust. He or she gives up control by becoming an open book to his/her spouse. No secrets allowed. Cellphone bills, travel itineraries, browser and message history, whereabouts at any given point in time, complete accessibility — all of these are part of our becoming open to our spouse about all aspects of our life. Anything less than complete openness restricts the rebuilding of trust.

The principle is one of complete openness. There can be nothing that remains hidden, or else when it is found out, and it will be, it will destroy the trust that was re-established. And the second time trust is breached is more serious. There is the old adage that says, “Fool me once, shameShame Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Few marriages can survive the “fool me twice” syndromeSyndrome It is a group of symptoms that can consistently occur together or a condition characterized by a set of associated symptoms..

STEP 3: THERE MUST BE GENUINE SORROW ON THE PART OF THE SCAM VICTIM BETRAYER

Note that we said sorrow, not guilt or blame. Sorrow is sadness for something – in this case, that the romance scam happened.

This also is a key to rebuilding trust. Without it, it’s like building a brick wall without cement. The goal of rebuilding trust is that at some point there is genuine sorrow on the part of the one who lived the lie, and genuine forgivenessForgiveness What Is Forgiveness? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. on the part of the one betrayed. Without both of these conditions, the marital reconciliation is going to be very superficial and very unsatisfying to both parties. Again, the principle is the same, even for the little lie of omission, or the little white lie.

When confronted by the spouse, the victim needs to confess the truth, become completely open about the subject, and show genuine sorrow for the betrayal. Every lie in a marriage is a form of betrayal, and so regardless of the seriousness of the betrayal, the process is the same.

STEP 4: REBUILDING TRUST TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE

Rebuilding trust always takes time.

The more serious the offense or perceived offense, the more time it will take for it to be repaired.

A small lie of omission may take a couple of days, whereas an online affair (romance scam) may take a year or two just to get to level ground again. So rebuilding means both the offender and the offended need to be patient with the process.

STEP 5: GRATITUDE

One of the things that is often overlooked by both parties following a rebuilding of trust is simple gratitude!

The victim needs to be genuinely grateful that their spouse has accepted them again, or at least is working on it. And the spouse should be grateful that the victim of the scam is doing everything in their power to reestablish trust and to rebuild the marriage following the scam.

If one party is not grateful and treats it as an expectation or entitlement then it will fail. Gratitude is the feedback and reward system built into the process. Gratitude rewards the efforts of both parties and brings life back in – it is not the light at the end of the tunnel, it is the flashlight that helps you get there!

If each party is not grateful for the new opportunity, then there is no point in proceeding.

TraumaTrauma Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless in a dangerous world. Psychological trauma can leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away. It can also leave you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety or other emotional shocks, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and isolated can result in trauma, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective circumstances that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized. Trauma requires treatment, either through counseling or therapy or through trauma-oriented support programs, such as those offered by SCARS.

It is important to understand that a scam victim may have experienced trauma as a result of the manipulation and aftermath of the scam. The spouse will also have experienced trauma as well. This is the reason why we strongly recommend counseling for both people, both separate and together.

This Is Very Hard

If you are the victim or the spouse reading this you will have to accept a lot – it did happen and it will require work to recover. Each person has to accept that.

But you both can make it through this.

We wish you all the best!

Essential Tools For Every Scam Victim From SCARS Publishing

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Each is based on our SCARS Team’s 31 plus years of experience.

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SCARS GREN BOOK - The SCARS STEPS Guide to Scam Victim Recovery

SCARS GREEN BOOK
Self-Help Self-Paced Recovery Program Guide

LEARN HOW TO RECOVER ON YOUR OWN

This program is designed to help scam victims struggling to recover on their own and for those who want to understand the overall process. You can be using other resources, such as trauma counseling or therapy, qualified support groupsSupport Groups In a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, usually nonprofessional and nonmaterial, for a particular shared, usually burdensome, characteristic, such as romance scams. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and for a sense of community. The help may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information, relating personal experiences, listening to and accepting others' experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks. A support group may also work to inform the public or engage in advocacy. They can be supervised or not. SCARS support groups are moderated by the SCARS Team and or volunteers., or completely independent – on your own!

The SCARS Steps program is a complete program and is provided for the purpose of helping scam victims to overcome this experience. Throughout this SCARS Steps Program, we speak about issues and challenges that a victim may have and help guide them through their recovery. But each person is different and it is important to understand your own reasons for being vulnerable to being scammed.

After the trauma of being scammed, you need to take steps to recover and move on. This may be an alternative to counseling in the short term, but we still encourage you to seek out professional help & support. Throughout this SCARS Steps Program, we speak about issues, challenges, defects, or problems that a victim may have in a generalized way.

The SCARS GREEN BOOK will help you recover from your scam offline and it will always be there when you need it!

Get it here

SCARS SLATE BOOK - A Guide For Families & Friends Of Scam Victims

SCARS SLATE BOOK – Let Us Explain What Happened!

A Guide For Families & Friends Of Scam Victims

HOW TO HELP ROMANCE SCAM VICTIMS FOR FAMILIES & FRIENDS OF SCAM VICTIMS

This SCARS Publishing book represents a complete guide to help the families and friends understand how these scams work and how to help the victim.

The SCARS Slate Book should be purchased by family and friends to better understand what happened to the victim and the traumatic impact on them. But it can also be shared by the victim so that they do not have to explain to family and friends about the scam. This publication is to help others to help Scam Victims to make it through this traumatic experience and recover.

Each person is different and it is important to understand how relationship scamsRelationship Scam A Relationship Scam is a one-to-one criminal act that involves a trust relationship and uses deception & manipulation to get a victim to give to the criminal something of value, such as money! Click here to learn more: What Is A Relationship Scam? work and why people are vulnerable; to being scammed, how they were lured in, then groomed and manipulated. This understanding is essential in helping them through the process of ending the scam and then on to recovery. The SCARS Slate Book will provide the information necessary to help support a victim through this process.

Get it here

SCARS RED BOOK - Your Personal Scam Evidence & Crime Record Organizer

SCARS RED BOOK
Your Personal Scam Evidence & Crime Record Organizer

ORGANIZE YOUR INFORMATION TO MAKE THE REPORTING PROCESS SIMPLE!

Helps you get and stay organized. This publication is to help Scam Victims organize their crime information. Complete this information before reporting to the police then bring this book with you

Before or after reporting to the police the RED BOOK gives you a dedicated tool to record all the essential facts of this crime. The Victim, the Scammers, the Money, and your Police interactions. Everything that really matters can be easily recorded for your immediate use and for the future!

As we have seen, money recovery/repayment programs can become available years after the scam ends and you need to keep all the details of this crime in case it is needed. We have also seen scammers being extradited to the U.S. and other countries, this will help in the event you testify or give statements, Additionally, this helps you have your information ready to qualify for victims’ benefits, compensation, or aid.

The Official SCARS RED BOOK is your way of recording all the important facts of this crime so that you do not lose essential information, Complete the RED BOOK then put it away with the confidence that you will have it if or when it is needed.

Get it here

SCARS BLUE BOOK - Survivor's Recovery Journal
SCARS LIME BOOK - Wisdom & Motivation for Scam Victims
SCARS CHERRY BOOK - A Guide To Understanding Your Fear
SCARS WORKBOOK - 8 Steps To Improvement
SCARS WORKBOOK - Understanding Self-Blame, Guilt, and Shame
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By the Society of Citizens Against Relationship ScamsSCARS SCARS - Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. A government registered crime victims' assistance & crime prevention nonprofit organization based in Miami, Florida, U.S.A. SCARS supports the victims of scams worldwide and through its partners in more than 60 countries around the world. Incorporated in 2015, its team has 30 years of continuous experience educating and supporting scam victims. Visit www.AgainstScams.org to learn more about SCARS. Inc.

A Worldwide Crime Victims Assistance & Crime Prevention Nonprofit Organization Headquartered In Miami Florida USA & Monterrey NL Mexico, with Partners In More Than 60 Countries
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