Understanding Secondary Scam Victims: The Silent Trauma of Family Members

When we talk about scam victims, we often focus solely on the “primary” victims—the individuals directly deceived by scammers. However, their family members also endure significant emotional and financial pain including real trauma.

These “secondary” victims, including spouses, children, sometimes parents, and close relatives, often experience profound distress and trauma as they witness their loved one being manipulated and deceived, and dealing with the emotionally charged interactions that result. Secondary victims are left feeling powerless, watching as the scam unfolds, often unable to intervene effectively. It is even worse in the aftermath, with families not knowing how to help the primary victim or themselves.

The Emotional Toll on Family Members

For family members, one of the hardest aspects is the sense of helplessness that comes with seeing a loved one being scammed. In many cases, family members detect the warning signs but the primary victim does not. This results in changes in behavior, secrecy, or irrational attachment to the scammer’s story. However, the scammer’s emotional manipulation creates a barrier between the victim and their family, often leading to isolation. Scammers gaslight their victims, convincing them that their loved ones are either jealous, unsupportive, or untrustworthy. This gaslighting is particularly effective, leaving the family disconnected from the primary victim.

As a result, family members experience emotional exhaustion (vicarious trauma.) They are forced to stand by and watch as their loved one sinks deeper into the scam, distancing themselves emotionally and sometimes physically. After the scam is revealed, the family must deal with the aftermath—watching the primary victim experience a psychological breakdown, trauma, and everything that brings, often struggling with severe emotional distress, shame, and depression. Secondary victims are left to support their loved ones while processing their own trauma, which is often overlooked.

Scammers Turn Victims Against Their Families

Scammers usually work systematically to isolate their victims from their family and close support networks, using manipulation tactics such as gaslighting to drive a wedge between the primary victim and their loved ones. This process is especially harmful in relationship scams, where scammers build intense emotional bonds with the victim. By manipulating the victim’s perceptions, the scammer convinces them that their family members do not have their best interests at heart, often framing their loved ones’ concerns and attempts to intervene as controlling or intrusive. This intentional disruption fractures the family dynamic, leaving the victim increasingly dependent on the scammer for emotional support and decision-making.

When family members attempt to intervene—whether by questioning the legitimacy of the relationship or the financial exchanges involved—scammers often escalate their tactics. They may encourage the primary victim to distance themselves further from their family, convincing the victim that they (the scammer) are the only ones who truly understand or care for them. This isolates the victim from the very support system they will need the most once the scam is revealed. In many cases, the manipulation can become so severe that the victim completely turns against their family, permanently damaging relationships that are crucial for their emotional and psychological recovery after the scam ends.

This breakdown in family trust and support can have long-lasting effects, not only on the victim’s recovery but also on the family’s ability to cope with the emotional primary victim and financial fallout. Rebuilding these relationships often requires substantial effort and professional therapeutic support to address the deep emotional rifts caused by the scammer’s manipulation.

The Financial Impact on Families

In addition to emotional suffering, the financial consequences of scams can devastate families. Primary victims may drain savings accounts, empty retirement funds, or take on significant debt to send money to scammers, believing they are helping someone they love. The ripple effect of these financial losses can be far-reaching.

Children may lose the opportunity to attend college due to lost savings, and families may even face the loss of their home due to unpaid mortgages. For spouses, the financial betrayal can be the final straw, leading to tension, resentment, and, in many cases, divorce. The emotional and financial toll that romance scams inflict can disrupt the entire family unit, making recovery even more difficult.

Secondary Victims Are Trauma Victims Too

Secondary victims are not just witnesses to the scam—they are trauma victims in their own right. Watching a loved one fall prey to manipulation and deception is emotionally taxing, leading to feelings of helplessness, guilt, and frustration. Despite their suffering, family members often feel as though their trauma is secondary to that of the primary victim. However, their emotional distress is just as valid and deserving of support.

The SCARS Institute recognizes the importance of supporting both primary and secondary victims of scams. Through programs like the Scam Survivor’s School (www.SCARSeducation.org,) SCARS helps families understand the psychological manipulation involved in scams and offers tools to support their own emotional recovery. By educating families, SCARS empowers secondary victims to heal and rebuild their lives alongside the primary victims.

Relationship Scams Often Lead to Divorce

One of the most devastating consequences of relationship scams is the strain they place on marriages and partnerships. Many spouses find themselves unable to comprehend how their partner could have been deceived so completely. What makes this situation even more painful is the lack of understanding around the fact that primary victims were not willfully unfaithful. Scammers manipulate and control their victims beyond their will, using emotional coercion and psychological tactics to trap them in the scam. These scams are every bit as much of a violation as sexual assault.

For the primary victim, the scam is a violation on every level. They were forced into a relationship with the scammer through deception and manipulation, and their emotional connection was built on lies and control. However, for spouses who do not fully grasp the depth of the manipulation, it can feel like a betrayal. Many marriages dissolve under the weight of the emotional and financial fallout, as the partner feels that the primary victim’s “infidelity” has broken the trust in the relationship.

SCARS recognizes this painful reality and works to help families understand that the victim’s actions were not a conscious betrayal. Through educational resources and counseling partners, the SCARS Institute supports couples in navigating the emotional aftermath of a scam. By helping spouses understand the psychological manipulation their partner endured, SCARS aims to help families rebuild empathy and rebuild trust within the relationship.

Helping Families Reunify and Heal

Recovery from a scam is not just about helping the primary victim—it’s about healing the entire family. The SCARS Institute offers educational programs to help family members understand what their loved one has been through. The free Scam Survivor’s School (www.SCARSeducation.org) provides critical insights into how scammers operate, how victims are manipulated, and the emotional devastation that follows. By educating secondary victims, SCARS helps families come together to support the healing process.

Through peer support groups and counseling partners, SCARS also provides emotional support for family members. These resources allow secondary victims to connect with others who have experienced similar situations, providing a sense of community and understanding. With the right support, families can recover from the trauma of a scam and rebuild their emotional and financial lives.

The Need for Couple’s Therapy After a Scam

The SCARS Institute consistently recommends that married couples impacted by romance scams seek couples therapy, as these types of experiences can cause significant strain in a relationship. Scams often lead to emotional and financial devastation, making it extremely difficult for the primary victim and their spouse to openly communicate about the impact at home. The manipulation and psychological control exerted by scammers leave the primary victim feeling ashamed, guilty, and misunderstood, while the spouse may feel hurt, betrayed, and confused about how the scam occurred. Couples therapy provides a neutral, structured environment where both partners can express their feelings and explore the trauma without judgment or emotional escalation.

In many cases, the emotional aftermath of a scam is too overwhelming to address through ordinary conversation at home. Primary victims may struggle to explain the depth of the manipulation they experienced, while spouses may have difficulty understanding how their partner could have fallen for such a scheme. Therapy helps bridge this gap by involving a professional who can facilitate these difficult discussions. This allows both partners to explore the psychological effects of the scam, acknowledge their pain, and work toward healing together, rather than allowing the emotional and financial strain to drive them further apart.

Couples therapy is especially important in helping spouses understand that the primary victim was often manipulated and controlled by the scammer beyond their will. The victim’s involvement in the scam does not equate to betrayal or unfaithfulness in the traditional sense, but rather a form of psychological violation. A skilled therapist can guide both individuals to see how the scam impacted their relationship, help them rebuild trust, and develop healthier communication strategies moving forward. By addressing these issues together, couples can better navigate the path to recovery, potentially saving the relationship from permanent damage.

The Need for Children’s Therapy After a Scam

The SCARS Institute recommends that the children of scam victims also receive therapy, as they are often deeply affected by the emotional and financial aftermath of the scam. Children may struggle to understand why their parent was involved in such a deception, and this confusion can lead to anxiety, frustration, and a disrupted sense of safety.

The emotional toll can be particularly challenging for younger family members, as they may not have the language or emotional tools to process the trauma. Therapy provides a safe and neutral space where children can express their feelings, ask questions, and gain a clearer understanding of the situation, something that is often too difficult to address openly at home. It’s also critical for children to recognize that they, too, are victims of the scam—experiencing the fallout firsthand, whether through financial resources lost, family tension, or shifts in their worldview. Therapy helps them process these feelings, rebuild trust in their parents, and restore a sense of emotional security.

Summary

When talking about romance scam victims, we often overlook the impact on their families, who become “secondary victims.” These family members, including spouses and children, face emotional and financial trauma, often watching helplessly as their loved ones fall into the manipulation of scammers. Scammers use tactics like gaslighting to isolate the primary victim from their support system, turning the victim against their family in the process. As a result, the emotional bonds within the family fracture, leaving secondary victims to manage the aftermath of both the psychological collapse of the primary victim and the financial devastation caused by the scam. Spouses frequently struggle to understand how their partner could be manipulated, sometimes leading to divorce. Moreover, children are impacted as well, with financial losses affecting their future opportunities, and the emotional fallout disrupting their sense of safety.

The SCARS Institute offers resources like their Scam Survivor’s School (www.SCARSeducation.org), designed to support both primary and secondary victims. By educating family members about the psychological manipulation involved, SCARS helps families understand what their loved one endured, fostering empathy and aiding in the healing process. Therapy is also highly recommended by SCARS, as it helps family members process their trauma, rebuild trust, and work through the emotional complexities caused by the scam. Couples therapy, in particular, is essential in helping spouses communicate about the scam in a safe environment, facilitating understanding and preventing permanent damage to the relationship. Similarly, therapy for children provides them with the tools to cope with the trauma and rebuild their worldview in a supportive setting. Recognizing and supporting the trauma of secondary victims is key to restoring family unity and ensuring long-term recovery.