
SCARS Institute’s Encyclopedia of Scams™ Published Continuously for 25 Years

A Romance Scam Is A Form Of Violence
There Is Also True Psychological & Emotional Abuse!
As any scam victim can tell you, their scam left them profoundly changed. Sometimes they are in denial and simply cannot face it. Sometimes they lose themselves in their anger and rage. But almost all come out for he experience traumatized, and trauma is not just a psychological problem it manifests in physical effects to the victim.
The purpose of this article is to explore the Abusive Side of Romance Scams and their effects on Victims
SCARS Recommends to all scam victims that they should talk to a local trauma counselor as soon as possible. Even if you do not believe that you were traumatized, you are not an expert in trauma. Make an appointment with a qualified trauma counselor and find out for sure! To find a trauma counselor or therapist near you, go here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/trauma-and-ptsd
Effects Of Trauma
Trauma often manifests physically as well as emotionally. Some common physical signs of trauma include paleness, lethargy, fatigue, poor concentration, and a racing heartbeat. The victim may have anxiety or panic attacks and be unable to cope in certain circumstances. The physical symptoms of trauma can be as real and alarming as those of physical injury or illness, and care should be taken to manage stress levels after a traumatic event.
All effects of trauma can take place either over a short period of time or over the course of weeks or even years. Any effects of trauma should be addressed immediately to prevent permanence. The sooner the trauma is addressed, the better chance a victim has of recovering successfully and fully.
Short-term and long-term effects of trauma can be similar, but long-term effects are generally more severe. Short-term mood changes are fairly normal after trauma, but if the shifts in mood last for longer than a few weeks, a long-term effect can occur.
Men vs. Women
The scam experience is quite different for men and women.
Men are triggered, groomed and manipulated to play the role of protector more often than not. As a result, they have a different experience from women. What happens to men most often does not apply to the experience of women.
Men do suffer from emotional abuse during a scam through manipulation, but it is most often of a different type. Rather than overt psychological abuse, it is covert, hidden in subtle controls based more on threats of withdrawal of the relationship (though this happens in both cases). Men more often come away from the romance scam with feelings of anger and rage, and this, in turn, makes it very difficult to support them through their recovery. They often will refuse to recognize any trauma and not be interested in emotional support, they tend to only want “Justice” (aka revenge.)
A Woman’s Scam Experience
Traditionally, women play a different role in the family from men, and in scams, this role – in the views of third-world scammers – is substantially reinforced.
As long as the victim is doing what the scammer wants there is very little over abuse, though there will almost always be gaslighting, which is used to isolate the victim.
However, a woman will experience (typically) much more emotional and psychological abuse during a long scam relationship. Partly this is for control, but it also reflects the scammer’s views of women in general. African & Asian male scammers are especially abusive at times during the scam relationship.
Is Emotional Abuse The Same As Psychological Abuse?
There is no clear agreement among experts in the field whether there is a meaningful difference between emotional and psychological abuse. There is some research that suggests that there are slight differences between the two. Emotional abuse is believed to be broader and so psychological abuse is often considered to be one form of emotional abuse. Also, psychological abuse involves the use of verbal and social tactics to control someone’s way of thinking, such as “gaslighting,” which is not necessarily the same as other forms of emotional abuse.
However, for the purposes of the following, we will group the terms together since the behaviors described by both concepts are similar enough that there isn’t a real difference when considering the victims of these behaviors.
What Is Emotional And Psychological Abuse?
Abuse comes in many different forms. Even when there is no physical violence, abusive language can be very damaging to almost anyone.
Emotional and psychological abuse includes mostly non-physical behaviors that the abuser uses to control, isolate, or frighten their victims. Often, the abuser uses it to break down the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth in order to create a psychological dependency on him/her (the abuser.) This is true of most types of crimes where such abuse occurs but especially true of romance or relationship scams.
Emotional and psychological abuse is hard to easily recognize because the abuse is spread throughout the victim’s interactions with the abuser. Unlike physical abuse, there are often no isolated incidents or clear physical evidence to identify. However, in hindsight, it is often very clear, especially in the case where much of the interaction is in writing, such as in romance scams.
See The National Domestic Violence Hotline on What is Emotional Abuse!
What Are The Signs Of Emotional And Psychological Abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse is a normal part of the relationship scam. It is an active part of the scammer’s manipulation and control mechanisms.
The level of abuse depends on the victim but there is almost always some. It may begin suddenly or it may slowly start to enter into the scam relationship.
Some abusers behave like a good partner in the beginning and start the abuse after the relationship is established and the scam is nearing the point where there will be an ask for money. When this shift in behavior occurs, it can leave the victim feeling shocked, confused, and even embarrassed. However, abuse is never the victim’s fault even if the abuser tells them it is or if family or friends blame the victim for “allowing” the scam and the abuse.
It is often difficult to decide whether or not certain behaviors are emotionally or psychologically abusive, especially if someone grew up witnessing abuse. However, as with all other types of abuse, such as domestic violence, the behavior is intended to gain and keep power and control over someone.
In the case of a romance scam, signs of abuse include:
- Putting the victim down for their beliefs, practices, or habits
- Condemning their doubts about the sincerity or honesty of the scammer
- Ridiculing the victim when they have doubts about some action the scammer wants the victim to perform
- Threatening to end the relationship
- Creating fear that others will not understand or will interfere in the relationship
- Threats against the victim at the end of the fake relationship
In other kinds of abusing relationships there may be different signs that someone is being emotionally and psychologically abused:
- Humiliating you in front of others;
- Calling you insulting names, such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless”;
- Getting angry in a way that is frightening to you;
- Threatening to hurt you, people you care about, or pets;
- the abuser threatening to harm him/herself when upset with you;
- Saying things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
- Deciding things for you that you should decide, like what you wear or eat;
- Acting jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating;
- Continually pretending to not to understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and opinions;
- Questioning your memory of events or denying that an event happened the way you said it did, even when the abuser knows that you are right;
- Changing the subject whenever you try to start conversations with the abuser and others and questioning your thoughts in a way that makes you feel unworthy; and
- Making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important than those of the abuser.
See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page
What Are The Effects Of Emotional And Psychological Abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects.
This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more.
In a normal relationship, a person might stay in the relationship and try to bargain with the abuser or try to change the abuser’s behavior, often placing blame on themself, even though they are not at fault. In a romance scam, it is much the same – the victim tries to extend the relationship even as awareness begins to dawn that something is wrong.
After dealing with the potentially severe emotional abuse that can take place during and at the end of a relationship scam, it’s possible for a victim to lose their entire sense of self and begin to doubt their self-worth or their abilities, which may make it even harder to recover after the scam relationship ends. This emotional abuse can also result in several health problems, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic pain, and more. It’s important to get emotional support to help you deal with the trauma of emotional and psychological abuse.
As said before, SCARS recommends trauma counseling or therapy for any scam victim that has suffered any ill effects from their scam.
What Can I Do If I Am A Victim Of A Scam?
If You Suffered From Emotional And Psychological Abuse:
If you are the victim of emotional and psychological abuse during a romance scam, you may be hesitant to seek help or tell your friends and family because you fear they will not believe you or take you seriously, or even worse blame and judge you for allowing it to happen.
You may feel shame or confusion as to what happened, how it happened, and why. However, seeking help and support is essential to recovering from this emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship.
The effects of the abuse, control, and manipulation during a romance scam are serious and it is common for there to be emotional and psychological damage.
SCARS provides free resources here and on social media to help scam victims to better understand what, how, and why these scams happen, but just as important is to understand their potentially lasting effects.
As always, we recommend talking with a trauma counselor or therapist. You may also be able to obtain assistance from your local domestic violence organization, look in Google for one near you. Local domestic violence programs often offer free counseling, support groups, and the advocates in these organizations could point you to other local help and support options – while these are not about scams, they effects are very similar to domestic abuse.
Of course, SCARS also offers its own Professionally Managed Support Groups just for Scam Victims in both English and Spanish Languages. Here are links to a SCARS English and a Spanish Support Group:
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
- Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
- Enroll in FREE SCARS Scam Survivor’s School now at www.SCARSeducation.org
- Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this article is intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here to go to our ScamsNOW.com website.
This article is very concise in spelling out the effects of psychological and emotional abuse. It is ironic that 30 years after divorcing an abusive spouse (physical, mental and verbally abusive) I should find myself in a romance scam facing very similar treatment. After reading this article I can remember all the times the criminal declared that if I didn’t trust “him” there was no love or relationship, or would tell me that “his” management team could end our relationship if they should ever suspect that we had a relationship, and the really big one was that I blocked our communication because “he” was old and ugly. (The scammer was impersonating a 89 year old celebrity). These “arguments” would be intense, the scammer would be texting at blinding speed with accusation after accusation of how terrible I was treat “them” in such a manner, it was no wonder my husband had no time for me as I was so hard to get along with, and much much more. Then like turning on a lightbulb after my 50th time of saying “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” the scammer would say, “it’s ok, I’m fine now” and then go right back into trying to get me to perform an action that I didn’t want to take. There was give and take of forgiveness, and reconciliation. It was either high or low all the time.
I was on so many highs and lows that I couldn’t mentally keep up. I became exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping and I was experiencing heart palpitations and not eating or drinking. And that was the weirdest part of it all, THEY always wanted to know if I had eaten and would even ask what I had to eat. And they always wanted me to send a daily selfie. I am terrible at selfies!
But equally, I wanted all the loving texts and love letters (via the platform) I would receive. They were so warm and made me feel so good. Later I found almost all of them were copied from online memes which broke my heart to see.
The financial loss and the betrayal of trust was the abuse my scammers inflicted on me. After my scam ended, the psychological and emotional ripple effects the abuse caused was astounding. It will take me some time to process and heal from the experience.
All the signs of abuse were used by my scammer. Fortunately it was a short relationship that had more financial repercussions than emotional ones.