Why Do You Hate Your Scammer?
Originally Published 2018 / Updated September 2021
We Have A Few Serious Questions For Scam Victims:
Do You Know Who Your Scammer Is?
Do You Hate Your Scammer?
Can You Ever Forgive What Is Forgiveness?
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Your Scammer?
When You Say To Yourself That You Can’t Forgive Your Scammer, Do You Even Know Who Your Scammer Is?
For most of you (especially victims of African Scammers), the answers are NO!
You do not really know who your scammer is or was – in most cases because the scammers almost never reveal their real identities.
For most of you, it IS NOT ONE PERSON who scammed you
It was most probably an organization and not one person.
For the vast majority, all that you know for sure is a Fake Face. A stolen photo that you fell for, right?
You may have a name that you sent money to, even multiple names but that is NOT likely your scammer:
- You may have sent money to a mule A money mule sometimes called a "smurfer," is a person who transfers money acquired illegally (e.g., stolen) in person, through a courier service, or electronically, on behalf of others (usually criminals that they are knowingly or unknowingly affiliated). Typically, the mule is paid for services with a small part of the money transferred - but not always. Mules may or may not be aware that they are performing these actions. Money mules are often dupes recruited online for what they think is legitimate employment, not aware that the money they are transferring is the product of crime. The money is transferred from the mule's account to the scam operator, typically in another country. Similar techniques are used to transfer illegal merchandise. Mules can be prosecuted for numerous crimes. – another victim duped into accepting and forwarding money to the scammer
- A pickup person, used by the scammers to pick up money
- A mole in the Western Union, MoneyGram, etc. in Africa or elsewhere
- Or even another fake name in Africa (or elsewhere) since it is up to the money transfer agency to verify identities, and they have their own team working in them
- Or just a fake name you gave gift cards to
- Even bank accounts that you wire money to is no guarantee since scammers have infiltrated banks in many countries
- In other words, a cog in their organization
Very rarely does a scammer pick up their own money and use a real name – this only happens with the independent scammers that are either alone or in a small gang A gang is normally a group or society of associated criminals with a defined leadership and internal organization that identifies with or claims control over a territory or business practice in a community and engages, either individually or collectively, in illegal, and possibly violent, behavior. Online gangs are not limited by territory and may operate side by side with other gangs while engaging in crime online. Some members of criminal gangs are initiated (by going through a process of initiation), or have to prove their loyalty and right to belong by committing certain acts, usually theft or violence, or rituals. Gangs are usually rougher and more visible than scammer cartels, and more often arrested..
Most Of You Will Never Know Who Your Scammer Really Is, Even If You Think You Do
Remember they are scammers and liars in everything they say! That means they lie even if you think they are finally telling you the truth. They are professional criminals.
So Let Us Ask You, Do You Hate Your Scammer?
Do you hate where they come from, such as Ghana or Nigeria, or Ivory Coast, or Liberia, or Kenya, or Benin, or India?
Do you hate all of Africa or India because of what was done to you?
What if the scammer was from a different country? Such as the Philippines, or China, or Malaysia, or Indonesia, or Russia, or Ukraine, or Jamaica? Because there are different major organizations of scammers in all of those countries and far more too.
So do you hate China? How about Germany? How about Japan? Do you hate Mexico? Do you hate the Philippines? Or India?
Not only just scamming, but each of these other countries has also taken from you by their competition with your country in some way and took jobs from one place to another. Or they offer cheap products that killed manufacturers in your country.
So, Do You Hate Them?
You probably do not, but some of you DO. What is the difference?
The Difference Is That You Personally Gave In To The Scam
The difference is that IT WAS NOT ONLY something that was done to you, IT WAS something you participated in doing to yourself also. We are not blaming Blame or Blaming is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong, their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. Blame imparts responsibility for an action or act, as in that they made a choice to perform that act or action. you, just stating the obvious fact – you made a mistake and you had a role in allowing the scam to begin. After it began then you lost control to the manipulation you suffered.
So You Hate Your Scammers And All Scammers
The problem is that if you cannot forgive your scammer – it is mainly because you have not forgiven yourself. When you hate your scammer you are still hating yourself for allowing this to happen. How does that help you recover from this?
When are you going to let it go? When are you going to forgive yourself for what the scammers did to you?
It is something you must do. To recover emotionally, psychologically, you must forgive yourself – for real and really mean it.
This is a significant part of the SCARS Recovery Process.
It Is For Your Benefit, Not Ours
Right now you are probably filled with hate, and anger Anger, also known as wrath or rage, is an intense emotional state involving a strong uncomfortable and non-cooperative response to a perceived provocation, trigger, hurt or threat. About one-third of scam victims become trapped in anger for extended periods of time following a scam.
A person experiencing anger will often experience physical effects, such as increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and increased levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as an emotion that triggers a part of the fight or flight response. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively, and physiologically.
Anger can have many physical and mental consequences. While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them", psychologists point out that an angry person can very well be mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability., and loathing for your scammer and everything they represent. But that hate will consume you if you don’t control it, channel it, and eventually retire it.
It is normal to be angry and even to hate what was done to you, but it is really not about the scammer, it is about you.
Don’t do it if you can’t or if it is insincere. Don’t forgive someone or something just to say you did it.
EVERYONE who is a scam victim needs to be focused on their recovery and a sense of common community. Recovery is your most important goal after you are scammed. The money is gone, the relationship was never real, everything you were told was a lie, but the feelings left behind are only too real. And they need to be dealt with.
You wanted the relationship to be real. Many victims cling to that for months after the scam ends. But that is under YOUR CONTROL!
If you really still hate then you need to take that out, hold it in your hand and ask yourself:
“What Do I Really Want Now?”
Do you want to recover and move on with your life, hard though that may be, or stay frozen and only live for your hate?
If you want to hold on to your hate, then we cannot help you. You will need the services of a professional mental health Mental health, defined by the World Health Organization (WHO), is "a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community". According to WHO, mental health includes "subjective well-being, perceived self-efficacy, autonomy, competence, intergenerational dependence, and self-actualization of one's intellectual and emotional potential, among others". From the perspectives of positive psychology or of holism, mental health may include an individual's ability to enjoy life and to create a balance between life activities and efforts to achieve psychological resilience. Cultural differences, subjective assessments, and competing professional theories all affect how one defines "mental health". counselor or therapist. You can find a directory of them here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/trauma-and-ptsd
This Is A Very Serious Question!
Only YOU know the answer!
But each of you should be honest with yourself and your loved ones about this. Yes, your loved ones too because your scam did not only affect you alone. Scams A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime - is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. take a huge toll on families and friends.
This is a chance for you to look at yourself seriously on this question and make decisions. Maybe it is too early. If your scam ended less than a month ago, you are not yet at a place where you can probably think and honestly in these terms, as time passes it provides you with more perspective and the pain dulls.
But don’t do it if you do not really feel it. If you are still very angry at the scammer and yourself, you are not ready for recovery. Just understand that you can not be a Survivor A Scam Survivor is a victim who has been able to fully accept the reality of their situation. That they were the victim of a crime and are not to blame. They are working on their emotional recovery and reduction of any trauma either on their own, through a qualified support organization, or through counseling or therapy. And has done their duty and reported the crime to their local police, national police, and on Anyscam.com until you release your hate, and begin to forgive yourself.
So what will it be? Will you accept the challenge?
Will You Forgive Yourself For Real?
Understand that we ALL understand what it is like, and the universe gives you permission to forgive yourself.
At least think about this?
If You Want Help To Recover:
We offer many different Scam Victim related Recovery and Support Groups In a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, usually nonprofessional and nonmaterial, for a particular shared, usually burdensome, characteristic, such as romance scams. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and for a sense of community. The help may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information, relating personal experiences, listening to and accepting others' experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks. A support group may also work to inform the public or engage in advocacy. They can be supervised or not. SCARS support groups are moderated by the SCARS Team and or volunteers.. SCARS is a registered Online Crime Victims Assistance & Support Organization (you can see that in our header). We have groups for many different needs and situations. We invite you to join one of our groups online (on Facebook) to become part of a community of Survivors A Scam Survivor is a victim who has been able to fully accept the reality of their situation. That they were the victim of a crime and are not to blame. They are working on their emotional recovery and reduction of any trauma either on their own, through a qualified support organization, or through counseling or therapy. And has done their duty and reported the crime to their local police, national police, and on Anyscam.com.
Our Groups allow people committed to their recovery into each group and we make sure there are no inappropriate people as well (such as scammers). They are secure places where no one will judge you because they are communities of people like you – they know what it feels like.
- Each Support Group In a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, usually nonprofessional and nonmaterial, for a particular shared, usually burdensome, characteristic, such as romance scams. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and for a sense of community. The help may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information, relating personal experiences, listening to and accepting others' experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks. A support group may also work to inform the public or engage in advocacy. They can be supervised or not. SCARS support groups are moderated by the SCARS Team and or volunteers. is private and confidential to just that group and our team (our employees and volunteers)
- Each group is its own community of fellow survivors providing support to each other
- Each group is governed by the SCARS Code of Conduct, the NOVA Standard for Crime Victims Assistance, and our own policies to keep you safe
- Each group is very international so you can compare experiences with others from around the world, and it also means someone is available around the clock
- We offer groups in English and Spanish ourselves, but other SCARS Partners & Affiliates offer them in many other languages as well throughout Europe and Asia
- If you are not ready for a support group, it is ok. When you are ready we will be here!