You Made A Mistake

You Made A Mistake

An Editorial About Responsibility & Recovery

A SCARSSCARS SCARS - Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. A government registered crime victims' assistance & crime prevention nonprofit organization based in Miami, Florida, U.S.A. SCARS supports the victims of scams worldwide and through its partners in more than 60 countries around the world. Incorporated in 2015, its team has 30 years of continuous experience educating and supporting scam victims. Visit www.AgainstScams.org to learn more about SCARS. Commentary

What Do We Mean By Saying That Every Victim Made A Mistake?

You have all heard us say that the victim is not to blameBlame Blame or Blaming is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong, their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. Blame imparts responsibility for an action or act, as in that they made a choice to perform that act or action., right?

Yet we also say the victim made a mistake?

This seems impossible to reconcile!

For example: this is equivalent to someone that drives during winter but did not check for road conditions, and then has an accident when they hit ice on the road. Is the driver to blame for the accident when the car lost traction? No, but they made a mistake in not being aware of the conditions.

It is easy to blame the driver. You could say they were negligent. But the fact is that they were doing what they thought was safe. Even though in hindsight it was not. Clearly, this was a mistake, even though they were not to blame. The ice was to blame!

The same is true for scamScam A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime -  is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. victims.

It is impossible to deny that the victim was scammed. The victim did open the door for the scammerScammer A Scammer or Fraudster is someone that engages in deception to obtain money or achieve another objective. They are criminals that attempt to deceive a victim into sending more or performing some other activity that benefits the scammer. and began talking with a stranger online – these are facts.

But the victim did not know about the level of sophistication of the manipulation that would follow.

Is this negligence or simple ignorance?

You can’t be negligent if you did not know that it could be possible – that you would be scammed by talking with a stranger.

This means that the victim is NOT to blame and they should feel no shameShame Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness. for what happened. They were ignorant, nothing more.

Many do not understand this distinction. How someone could make a mistake and not be to blame.

Notice that we did not say they were not responsible.

All scam victims are responsible and have to face the very difficult consequences that come from the scam. But responsibility and blame (or shame) are two different things. This is a very important distinction, not just semantics.

Being responsible means you have to accept and face the reality, then do the hard work required to restore or repair the damage done as much as is possible.

We think this is a very important distinction.

Being to blame for something means you had a real choice in the matter – that you made a decision to ignore the risks and did it anyway.

Yes, the scam victim could have said no from the beginning before the manipulation started, but they were ignorant of the potential.

As the saying goes: “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!”

However, once warned and aware, things change.

Every victim becomes aware of this after they are scammed. Even if they are in denialDenial Denial is a refusal or unwillingness to accept something or to accept reality. Refusal to admit the truth or reality of something, refusal to acknowledge something unpleasant; And as a term of Psychology: denial is a defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality., the facts are undeniable.

This is one of the great challenges with repeat victims – they did know better the second time, however, psychology plays a big role in still preventing acceptance.

Regardless, every victim is responsible for their actions intentional or not – not for the purposes of blame, but for the purposes of recovery and learning so that they can prevent it from ever happening again.

Responsibility is the greatest challenge for many victims because to fully accept responsibility means you also have to accept the mistake that was made. This acceptance is the critical component in being able to move forward and leave the scam behind.

As long as there is self-blameSelf-Blame Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them. SCARS seeks to mitigate the prejudice against victims and the perception that victims are in any way responsible for the actions of offenders or scammers. There is historical and current prejudice against the victims of domestic violence and sex crimes, such as the greater tendency to blame victims of rape than victims of robbery. Scam victims are often blamed by family & friends for the crime. Scam victims also engage in self-blame even though they are not to blame. and guilt, there is no acceptance and responsibility – they are polar opposites.

If you still feel guilt or shame then you have not truly accepted your responsibility, nor are you fully engaged in your recovery.

This is one of the most important points in all of the SCARS recovery process!

For most victims, it will come in time. It is a concept that you will eventually arrive at. But until you do you cannot really be at peace with yourself.

In all forms of recovery, this question of responsibility is the foundation for progress and personal growth. Our SCARS process is no different in that regard.

Remember that this is not optional, it is central. Victims either accept it or they don’t. You can’t be a little bit pregnant. You can’t be a little responsible – you either are or are not.

But don’t pressure yourself to get there, it will happen in time. Just understand that it is one of the most significant milestones in your journey.

Understand that when we talk about your mistake, it is not blamingBlaming Blame or Blaming is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong, their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. Blame imparts responsibility for an action or act, as in that they made a choice to perform that act or action.. Just recognition of the fact that it happened. You were not to blame, but now you know better.

However, knowing this does not mean you will be able to avoid scamsScams A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime -  is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. completely, or recover and make things as they were before. These are the consequences of what happened. Each victim has to face their own hard choices.

It also requires more knowledge and experience than many have. But if you accept your responsibility then learning will be part of your focus because you owe it to yourself and others.

So remember: you made a mistake, but by accepting the fact and the responsibility you can set out on the path of recovery, and help assure yourself that it will not happen again. Blame, guilt, and shame all hold you back from reaching your goal.

Acceptance and responsibility are the keys that open the next door to your future.

Good luck to you on your journey!

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By the SCARS™ Editorial Team
Society of Citizens Against Relationship ScamsSCARS SCARS - Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. A government registered crime victims' assistance & crime prevention nonprofit organization based in Miami, Florida, U.S.A. SCARS supports the victims of scams worldwide and through its partners in more than 60 countries around the world. Incorporated in 2015, its team has 30 years of continuous experience educating and supporting scam victims. Visit www.AgainstScams.org to learn more about SCARS. Inc.

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2 Comments

  1. Stephen Baguley September 29, 2021 at 5:55 am - Reply

    [COMMENT REMOVED BECAUSE IT PROMOTES SCAMBAITINGScam Baiting A foolish activity where a victim or nonvictim engages in deception and fraud to lead on a scammer into revealing information or for the sport of it. Deliberate deception online, regardless of the reason, is both unethical and in many places may also be illegal. While not prosecuted, Scambaiting has no legitimate benefit and should never be performed by victims since it is an act of revenge and only amplifies trauma. It is a reprehensible practice that is popularized by amateur anti-scam groups driven by their hate for fraudsters.
    Learn more: SCARS Position Statement Against Scambaiting
    ]

    • SCARS Editorial Team September 29, 2021 at 7:39 am - Reply

      That is not a wise thing to do, and something we do not promote – that is called scambaitingScam Baiting A foolish activity where a victim or nonvictim engages in deception and fraud to lead on a scammer into revealing information or for the sport of it. Deliberate deception online, regardless of the reason, is both unethical and in many places may also be illegal. While not prosecuted, Scambaiting has no legitimate benefit and should never be performed by victims since it is an act of revenge and only amplifies trauma. It is a reprehensible practice that is popularized by amateur anti-scam groups driven by their hate for fraudsters.
      Learn more: SCARS Position Statement Against Scambaiting
      . Just blockBlock Blocking is a technical action usually on social media or messaging platforms that restricts or bans another profile from seeing or communicating with your profile. To block someone on social media, you can usually go to their profile and select it from a list of options - often labeled or identified with three dots ••• them now and move on. ScamsScams A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime -  is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. are not a game.

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