Why Can I Not Stop Thinking About The Scammer(s)
The ending of a relationship scamRelationship Scam A Relationship Scam is a one-to-one criminal act that involves a trust relationship and uses deception & manipulation to get a victim to give to the criminal something of value, such as money! Click here to learn more: What Is A Relationship Scam? is one of the most painful things women or men can do
No matter how long you were in the fake relationship, regardless of whether you ended things yourself or not, whether the relationship was with a real person or a fake identity, it hurts to lose someone who was such a presence in your life.
For the next few months or even a year, you might be regularly asking yourself why you can’t stop thinking about him. And you might wonder if your scammer thinks about you. This is, of course, to be expected, and in some cases should even be encouraged as you process through your grief, ambiguous loss, and when you are missing them. We can’t expect ourselves to turn our feelings off like a lightbulb, so be patient with yourself if you still don’t know how to stop thinking about your scammer.
The Feeling Of Not Being Able To Stop Thinking About It
You probably have lots of questions. Why did this happen to you? How will you cope? We’ll go over these at a later point in the article.
However, the answers to most of your quests are on this website in the Psychology of Scams articles.
But Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About It/Them?
In the internal narrative of your life, your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend (the criminals) has taken something from you.
NOTE: remember that there is almost never a HE or a SHE – scammers work in teams and the team works their victims. Who you knew is most probably multiple people groomingGrooming Grooming is a form of setting up a victim for a scam or other crime by befriending and establishing an emotional connection with the victim, and sometimes the family, to lower the victim's inhibitions with the objective of the scam or criminal activity. Grooming includes the development of a trust relationship between the criminal and the victim, getting the victims to the point where they can be more completely manipulated. , manipulating, and controlling you. From here on out we will refer to them as simply THEY/THEM!
Ripped Away
They have taken away your relationship, and in turn, a massive part of your happiness.
You are coming to terms with the absence of both the “person” and the relationship from your life.
You are coping with the loss of the future you had envisioned with them.
This is a form of grieving, even though the relationship was not real and was imposed on you without your consent. In some ways, it can be more difficult because you know they are out there living their lives happy in the knowledge of what they did to you. So it is not just about the lost relationship, but also about the injustice of it all.
Unfortunately, relationships require commitments, even though this was completely one-sided. You put in all the work and believed the other. We tend to think that if a partner isn’t invested it won’t hurt as much, and knowing that it was all fraudFraud In law, fraud is intentional deception to secure unfair or unlawful gain (money or other assets), or to deprive a victim of a legal right. Fraud can violate civil law (e.g., a fraud victim may sue the fraud perpetrator to avoid the fraud or recover monetary compensation) or criminal law (e.g., a fraud perpetrator may be prosecuted and imprisoned by governmental authorities), or it may cause no loss of money, property, or legal right but still be an element of another civil or criminal wrong. The purpose of fraud may be monetary gain or other benefits, for example by obtaining a passport, travel document, or driver's license, or mortgage fraud, where the perpetrator may attempt to qualify for a mortgage by way of false statements. A fraud can also be a hoax, which is a distinct concept that involves deliberate deception without the intention of gain or of materially damaging or depriving a victim. should make it easier to forget about it and move on. But that turns out to not be true.
The fact that you were blissfully unaware of the other person’s fakeness throughout the relationship can still lead to severe feelings of dejection when the fake relationship is finally revealed and comes to an end.
When the same ends, your imagination will concoct the worst “what-if” scenarios whenever your scammer crosses your mind. You may believe many different things, such as maybe you are wrong and just made a big mistake. Or maybe the scammer(s) really did love you. . This is all false. The scammers decided to walk away because they harvested everything they could from you. They do not have any feelings about the fake relationship, the crime, or any concerns about what you can do about it!
In fact, part of the manipulation was designed to deliberately leave you as broken as possible so that you will remain silent and never report the crime – 97-99% of scam victims do remain silent remaining under the control of the criminals.
How Will You Cope?
Try your best not to judge yourself for having normal emotions.
It may not be obvious at first, but you are not weak, stupid, or unworthy of love. You are not foolish, gullible, or naive. You are just human. Scammers are professionals and what they do works – everyone can be scammed unless they change to prevent it. It is part of being human. You have vulnerabilities, biases, and ignorance – that is why this happened.
Grieving the loss of your relationship is perfectly healthy, providing that you truly realize that the fake relationship is over. In effect, this means that there never really was one. But you did have feelings for these criminals – but it was not real love and it was not with your consent.
Your Consent
This is a critical part of overcoming the fake relationship, understanding that this was a violation. It was not with your consent.
Your emotions were hijacked, and in effect, you were forced to feel what the scammers wanted you to feel. It was forced upon you!
Never forget that!
Moving On
The scam is over, but the moments you shared will live on in your memories. Ironically, traumaTrauma Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless in a dangerous world. Psychological trauma can leave you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away. It can also leave you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety or other emotional shocks, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and isolated can result in trauma, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective circumstances that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized. Trauma requires treatment, either through counseling or therapy or through trauma-oriented support programs, such as those offered by SCARS. comes to the rescue in this. Trauma modifies your cognition and memories so that you will (over time) forget a lot of this – as long as you allow yourself to do so.
Right now, after the fake relationship ends you will go through many different emotions and responses – from shock to fear. it’s the fear of a life different from the ones you’ve imagined and its consequences that may cause you to constantly think of your ex-fake lover.
Many victims cannot accept that they are the victim of a crime and that this was all a great lie. They often tend to project the feelings that they had for the fake face onto the real person (whose photos were stolen and used by the scammers). Often victims will try to contact the real person because they just know that if they could just talk to them, then somehow they would fall in love with the victim and everything will be wonderous again. Of course, this is delusional.
But there are also going to be other traumatic responses such as fight or flight that follow the end of the fake relationship too. We address these more in other articles.
Remember, we are creatures of habit, so going from being with someone (even if they are criminals) regularly to not having them in your life at all is a big shock. You may miss them or think about them often, which is fine unless it interferes with you being able to move on with your life.
To Stop Thinking Of Him/Her/It/Them
To stop thinking of them, immerse yourself in the things which help you fully understand what happened to you. This article is a starting point, and there are many more articles and knowledge for you to acquire. This will help you stay focused and occupied as you work through your passage from the end of the scam to a point of reasonable recovery.
Now is also the best time to make sure you’re taking care of your mind, body, and spirit.
Make sure that you are seeing a trauma counselor and discussing every feeling, emotion, and issue that you are experiencing.
Make sure that you are in a real professionally managed scam victims’ support groupSupport Group In a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, usually nonprofessional and nonmaterial, for a particular shared, usually burdensome, characteristic, such as romance scams. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and for a sense of community. The help may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information, relating personal experiences, listening to and accepting others' experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks. A support group may also work to inform the public or engage in advocacy. They can be supervised or not. SCARS support groups are moderated by the SCARS Team and or volunteers. where you can share with other victims in a structure of real knowledge about these crimes.
This will be impossible for the first few months, but as soon as possible focus your attention on your hobbies, friends, family, needs, and passions. Devote time to the interests you used to care about – this helps you restore who you were.
This will be one of the hardest times in your life, but it can also be a positive, transformative time in your life with meaningful changes and lessons learned. You get the opportunity to start anew and really become the best version of yourself, so you feel ready to enter another relationship in the future.
In time, the hold your scam and the fake relationship has over you will fade, and you’ll resume a new normal life. But we promise it will not be easy, but if you stick to the path you will not only make it through this but come out of it a stronger person than ever. You will become a real survivorSurvivor A Scam Survivor is a victim who has been able to fully accept the reality of their situation. That they were the victim of a crime and are not to blame. They are working on their emotional recovery and reduction of any trauma either on their own, through a qualified support organization, or through counseling or therapy. And has done their duty and reported the crime to their local police, national police, and on Anyscam.com!
Things You Can Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him
Most often, the end of the scam brings on a lot of anxiety, fear, paranoia, and other emotions. Depending on the circumstances of how the scam ended, depression could manifest too. There are a few things you can do to combat the symptoms.
You should start by getting a handle on what you are feeling. Journaling is an essential way to express your feelings – but it also helps you to remember them when you need to talk with a professional. Remember, that trauma causes you to react but then it screws with your memory. It will also help you keep a record you can reflect on later, to be able to look back and see your progress and improvement.
Try changing your internal dialogue. Understand that the way you are feeling is a manifestation of what has happened to you. It does not define you, though.
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SCARS GREEN BOOK
Self-Help Self-Paced Recovery Program Guide
LEARN HOW TO RECOVER ON YOUR OWN
This program is designed to help scam victims struggling to recover on their own and for those who want to understand the overall process. You can be using other resources, such as trauma counselingCounseling Counseling is the professional guidance of the individual by utilizing psychological methods especially in collecting case history data, using various techniques of the personal interview, and testing interests and aptitudes. A mental health counselor (MHC), or counselor, is a person who works with individuals and groups to promote optimum mental and emotional health. Such persons may help individuals deal with issues associated with addiction and substance abuse; family, parenting, and marital problems; stress management; self-esteem; and aging. They may also work with "Social Workers", "Psychiatrists", and "Psychologists". SCARS does not provide mental health counseling. or therapy, qualified support groupsSupport Groups In a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, usually nonprofessional and nonmaterial, for a particular shared, usually burdensome, characteristic, such as romance scams. Members with the same issues can come together for sharing coping strategies, to feel more empowered and for a sense of community. The help may take the form of providing and evaluating relevant information, relating personal experiences, listening to and accepting others' experiences, providing sympathetic understanding and establishing social networks. A support group may also work to inform the public or engage in advocacy. They can be supervised or not. SCARS support groups are moderated by the SCARS Team and or volunteers., or completely independent – on your own!
The SCARS Steps program is a complete program and is provided for the purpose of helping scam victims to overcome this experience. Throughout this SCARS Steps Program, we speak about issues and challenges that a victim may have and help guide them through their recovery. But each person is different and it is important to understand your own reasons for being vulnerable to being scammed.
After the trauma of being scammed, you need to take steps to recover and move on. This may be an alternative to counseling in the short term, but we still encourage you to seek out professional help & support. Throughout this SCARS Steps Program, we speak about issues, challenges, defects, or problems that a victim may have in a generalized way.
The SCARS GREEN BOOK will help you recover from your scam offline and it will always be there when you need it!
SCARS SLATE BOOK – Let Us Explain What Happened!
A Guide For Families & Friends Of Scam Victims
HOW TO HELP ROMANCE SCAM VICTIMS FOR FAMILIES & FRIENDS OF SCAM VICTIMS
This SCARS Publishing book represents a complete guide to help the families and friends understand how these scamsScams A Scam is a confidence trick - a crime - is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their trust through deception. Scams or confidence tricks exploit victims using their credulity, naïveté, compassion, vanity, irresponsibility, or greed and exploiting that. Researchers have defined confidence tricks as "a distinctive species of fraudulent conduct ... intending to further voluntary exchanges that are not mutually beneficial", as they "benefit con operators ('con men' - criminals) at the expense of their victims (the 'marks')". A scam is a crime even if no money was lost. work and how to help the victim.
The SCARS Slate Book should be purchased by family and friends to better understand what happened to the victim and the traumatic impact on them. But it can also be shared by the victim so that they do not have to explain to family and friends about the scam. This publication is to help others to help Scam Victims to make it through this traumatic experience and recover.
Each person is different and it is important to understand how relationship scamsRelationship Scam A Relationship Scam is a one-to-one criminal act that involves a trust relationship and uses deception & manipulation to get a victim to give to the criminal something of value, such as money! Click here to learn more: What Is A Relationship Scam? work and why people are vulnerable; to being scammed, how they were lured in, then groomed and manipulated. This understanding is essential in helping them through the process of ending the scam and then on to recovery. The SCARS Slate Book will provide the information necessary to help support a victim through this process.
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Helps you get and stay organized. This publication is to help Scam Victims organize their crime information. Complete this information before reporting to the police then bring this book with you
Before or after reporting to the police the RED BOOK gives you a dedicated tool to record all the essential facts of this crime. The Victim, the Scammers, the Money, and your Police interactions. Everything that really matters can be easily recorded for your immediate use and for the future!
As we have seen, money recovery/repayment programs can become available years after the scam ends and you need to keep all the details of this crime in case it is needed. We have also seen scammers being extradited to the U.S. and other countries, this will help in the event you testify or give statements, Additionally, this helps you have your information ready to qualify for victims’ benefits, compensation, or aid.
The Official SCARS RED BOOK is your way of recording all the important facts of this crime so that you do not lose essential information, Complete the RED BOOK then put it away with the confidence that you will have it if or when it is needed.
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By the Society of Citizens Against Relationship ScamsSCARS SCARS - Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. A government registered crime victims' assistance & crime prevention nonprofit organization based in Miami, Florida, U.S.A. SCARS supports the victims of scams worldwide and through its partners in more than 60 countries around the world. Incorporated in 2015, its team has 30 years of continuous experience educating and supporting scam victims. Visit www.AgainstScams.org to learn more about SCARS. Inc.
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