
SCARS Institute’s Encyclopedia of Scams™ Published Continuously for 25 Years

Why Can I Not Stop Thinking About The Scammer(s)
The ending of a relationship scam is one of the most painful things women or men can do
No matter how long you were in the fake relationship, regardless of whether you ended things yourself or not, whether the relationship was with a real person or a fake identity, it hurts to lose someone who was such a presence in your life.
For the next few months or even a year, you might be regularly asking yourself why you can’t stop thinking about him. And you might wonder if your scammer thinks about you. This is, of course, to be expected, and in some cases should even be encouraged as you process through your grief, ambiguous loss, and when you are missing them. We can’t expect ourselves to turn our feelings off like a lightbulb, so be patient with yourself if you still don’t know how to stop thinking about your scammer.
The Feeling Of Not Being Able To Stop Thinking About It
You probably have lots of questions. Why did this happen to you? How will you cope? We’ll go over these at a later point in the article.
However, the answers to most of your quests are on this website in the Psychology of Scams articles.
But Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About It/Them?
In the internal narrative of your life, your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend (the criminals) has taken something from you.
NOTE: remember that there is almost never a HE or a SHE – scammers work in teams and the team works their victims. Who you knew is most probably multiple people grooming, manipulating, and controlling you. From here on out we will refer to them as simply THEY/THEM!
Ripped Away
They have taken away your relationship, and in turn, a massive part of your happiness.
You are coming to terms with the absence of both the “person” and the relationship from your life.
You are coping with the loss of the future you had envisioned with them.
This is a form of grieving, even though the relationship was not real and was imposed on you without your consent. In some ways, it can be more difficult because you know they are out there living their lives happy in the knowledge of what they did to you. So it is not just about the lost relationship, but also about the injustice of it all.
Unfortunately, relationships require commitments, even though this was completely one-sided. You put in all the work and believed the other. We tend to think that if a partner isn’t invested it won’t hurt as much, and knowing that it was all fraud should make it easier to forget about it and move on. But that turns out to not be true.
The fact that you were blissfully unaware of the other person’s fakeness throughout the relationship can still lead to severe feelings of dejection when the fake relationship is finally revealed and comes to an end.
When the same ends, your imagination will concoct the worst “what-if” scenarios whenever your scammer crosses your mind. You may believe many different things, such as maybe you are wrong and just made a big mistake. Or maybe the scammer(s) really did love you. . This is all false. The scammers decided to walk away because they harvested everything they could from you. They do not have any feelings about the fake relationship, the crime, or any concerns about what you can do about it!
In fact, part of the manipulation was designed to deliberately leave you as broken as possible so that you will remain silent and never report the crime – 97-99% of scam victims do remain silent remaining under the control of the criminals.
How Will You Cope?
Try your best not to judge yourself for having normal emotions.
It may not be obvious at first, but you are not weak, stupid, or unworthy of love. You are not foolish, gullible, or naive. You are just human. Scammers are professionals and what they do works – everyone can be scammed unless they change to prevent it. It is part of being human. You have vulnerabilities, biases, and ignorance – that is why this happened.
Grieving the loss of your relationship is perfectly healthy, providing that you truly realize that the fake relationship is over. In effect, this means that there never really was one. But you did have feelings for these criminals – but it was not real love and it was not with your consent.
Your Consent
This is a critical part of overcoming the fake relationship, understanding that this was a violation. It was not with your consent.
Your emotions were hijacked, and in effect, you were forced to feel what the scammers wanted you to feel. It was forced upon you!
Never forget that!
Moving On
The scam is over, but the moments you shared will live on in your memories. Ironically, trauma comes to the rescue in this. Trauma modifies your cognition and memories so that you will (over time) forget a lot of this – as long as you allow yourself to do so.
Right now, after the fake relationship ends you will go through many different emotions and responses – from shock to fear. it’s the fear of a life different from the ones you’ve imagined and its consequences that may cause you to constantly think of your ex-fake lover.
Many victims cannot accept that they are the victim of a crime and that this was all a great lie. They often tend to project the feelings that they had for the fake face onto the real person (whose photos were stolen and used by the scammers). Often victims will try to contact the real person because they just know that if they could just talk to them, then somehow they would fall in love with the victim and everything will be wonderous again. Of course, this is delusional.
But there are also going to be other traumatic responses such as fight or flight that follow the end of the fake relationship too. We address these more in other articles.
Remember, we are creatures of habit, so going from being with someone (even if they are criminals) regularly to not having them in your life at all is a big shock. You may miss them or think about them often, which is fine unless it interferes with you being able to move on with your life.
To Stop Thinking Of Him/Her/It/Them
To stop thinking of them, immerse yourself in the things which help you fully understand what happened to you. This article is a starting point, and there are many more articles and knowledge for you to acquire. This will help you stay focused and occupied as you work through your passage from the end of the scam to a point of reasonable recovery.
Now is also the best time to make sure you’re taking care of your mind, body, and spirit.
Make sure that you are seeing a trauma counselor and discussing every feeling, emotion, and issue that you are experiencing.
Make sure that you are in a real professionally managed scam victims’ support group where you can share with other victims in a structure of real knowledge about these crimes.
This will be impossible for the first few months, but as soon as possible focus your attention on your hobbies, friends, family, needs, and passions. Devote time to the interests you used to care about – this helps you restore who you were.
This will be one of the hardest times in your life, but it can also be a positive, transformative time in your life with meaningful changes and lessons learned. You get the opportunity to start anew and really become the best version of yourself, so you feel ready to enter another relationship in the future.
In time, the hold your scam and the fake relationship has over you will fade, and you’ll resume a new normal life. But we promise it will not be easy, but if you stick to the path you will not only make it through this but come out of it a stronger person than ever. You will become a real survivor!
Things You Can Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him
Most often, the end of the scam brings on a lot of anxiety, fear, paranoia, and other emotions. Depending on the circumstances of how the scam ended, depression could manifest too. There are a few things you can do to combat the symptoms.
You should start by getting a handle on what you are feeling. Journaling is an essential way to express your feelings – but it also helps you to remember them when you need to talk with a professional. Remember, that trauma causes you to react but then it screws with your memory. It will also help you keep a record you can reflect on later, to be able to look back and see your progress and improvement.
Try changing your internal dialogue. Understand that the way you are feeling is a manifestation of what has happened to you. It does not define you, though.
-/ 30 /-
What do you think about this?
Please share your thoughts in a comment below!
Article Rating
Table of Contents
POPULAR ARTICLES
ARTICLE META
RATE THIS ARTICLE?
LEAVE A COMMENT?
Thank you for your comment. You may receive an email to follow up. We never share your data with marketers.
Recent Comments
On Other Articles
on Financial Recovery – Avoid Money Triggers – Perspective on Money for Scam Victims – 2023 [UPDATED 2025]: “This article is excellent. This is something I needed to read. Thank you!” Jun 18, 16:26
on Scam Victim Apathy – Scams Are Somebody Else’s Problem: “This is a concept I hadn’t considered before. And the Tall Poppy Syndrome is something I’ve not heard of. I…” Jun 17, 13:17
on After The Scam – Victims Frequently Engage In Self-Defeating Behaviors: “Thank you for this article! I have always been my worst critic. Then it all just spirals down into self…” Jun 17, 10:48
on Scam Victim’s/Survivor’s Guide To Writing Your Own Book About Your Experience – For Healing & Profit – 2024: “I have a friend who has suggested that I write a book about my story, a few times. Just the…” Jun 15, 23:02
on Trauma Grief & Humor As A Coping Mechanism: “My sense of humor has, at times, been what’s pulled me up and helped me cope. In the early stages…” Jun 15, 22:53
on Differences Between Men & Women Scam Victims: “This is very helpful in understanding the differences experienced by men and women. It is sad that most men are…” Jun 15, 22:21
on Sending A Letter To Your Scammer – Getting The Last Word – 2024: “I sent the email and I have to say, I feel a sense of relief. I truly hope there’s no…” Jun 15, 22:04
on Forgiveness and Scams – Why It Matters So Much!: “Forgiveness is one of the hardest parts of recovery for me. That includes forgiving myself along with the scammers. It…” Jun 15, 21:33
on Buried Cell Phones/Smartphones & Hidden Cameras – New Cybercrime – Cyber Surveillance by Local Criminals – 2025: “This is beyond concerning. To be tracked at your home is obviously a huge violation of privacy. Thank you for…” Jun 13, 06:56
on Scam Victim’s Learning Process [INFOGRAPHIC]: “The commitment to learning and recovering from the scam is indeed overwhelming. At first I struggled to comprehend the material…” Jun 12, 20:54
Important Information for New Scam Victims
- Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
- Enroll in FREE SCARS Scam Survivor’s School now at www.SCARSeducation.org
- Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this article is intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here to go to our ScamsNOW.com website.
I never considered that this “relationship” grew without my consent. Of course that’s absolutely true. My emotions were hijacked at a time when I was most vulnerable. I was easy prey. The first few months after the scam ended, they were all I could think about. I was addicted to the attention and dopamine hits they gave me. I think about them less and less. I’m focusing on my healing and recovery by occupying my time with the Survivor’s School along with the FB groups managed by SCARS.
Definitely my thoughts are still about the criminal whom I truly thought was a celebrity I admire and want to meet. I thought it was really him. And it hurts to know that I was so violated. At first I was thinking about the fraud and the celebrity so much, multiple times a day. It has since slowed to maybe a few times a day, especially, when I get mad thinking of how I contributed to their livelihood, the fun night out or whatever, maybe even a car. I hope it was a junker! If it was used on drugs! What a waste! Anyway, the validation of my feelings is helpful and having somewhat of an idea of how things will fade helps as well. Because a lot of the time it feels like 5 years has elapsed and I’m not any better – but in reality it’s not been anywhere near that long. I am trying to focus on hobbies, trying to place my thoughts into a realization that I was violated. I can accept a crime has been committed but it seems difficult to feel I was violated and that it was against my consent. I’ll get there.
After the scam I grew to detest my scammer. I know longer had any romantic feelings for them but it was hard not to constantly think about them and the devastation they caused. Finding SCARS and learning how and why the scam happened has really helped.
Perfectly explained from a to z
It is important to understand what happened and how it happened.