SCARS™ Subject Focus: The Psychology Of Romance Scams
SCARS Institute’s Encyclopedia of Scams™ Published Continuously for 25 Years
A SCARS™ Guest Editorial By Debby B. Montgomery
The following is a Guest Editorial by Debby B. Montgomery – a leading Anti-Scam Victims Advocate, Best-Selling Author, Nationally Recognized Speaker & Lecturer, and Scam Survivor. Debby plays a leading role in directly helping scam victims to recover, and is both an Advisor and a soon-to-be Board Member of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
Have You Lost Your Power!
Have you experienced burnout, fatigue, or just the “I don’t want to do that” syndrome?
We are so darn busy that we probably don’t allow ourselves to feel those negative feelings and if, by chance, we do feel them, then we feel terrible about it and we feel overwhelmed, isolated, or just plain AWFUL! We feel like we’re not doing our best, that we’re lazy or that we’re going to let someone down. We certainly can’t do that, can we?
What if someone told you to take the negative energy that’s surrounding you and “Return to Sender with Conscious Intent! (Thanks Dawn C. Meyer!) I LOVE that! Just give back what doesn’t really belong to YOU – return all that energy to the universe and let the universe recycle it.
Think about when you’re bogged down with things that other people are placing on you and you’re feeling the burden and the overwhelm of not getting things done – if you are feeling “heavy” and can’t even remember if you had breakfast – this morning – then perhaps it’s time to unload. It’s time to STOP, RESET, SAY NO, RESCHEDULE, and then do something that will make you feel happy! For one friend of mine, it’s eating ice cream. For my husband, it’s playing golf on a Thursday afternoon. For me, keep on reading and you’ll find out soon!
Yesterday I had several meetings and they were pushed back throughout the day and my schedule changed. I started feeling overwhelmed because I had a telephone meeting scheduled for 4:30 pm and I hadn’t gotten everything done for that meeting. In the meantime I had to take friends to the airport by 4:00 pm, then pick up my son and drive him to his house, and then get to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. I could have accomplished all that was required, but I FELT heavy – mentally stressed and I didn’t want to disappoint my business partner, so I sent a text and asked her to reschedule. I sat on pins and needles until I got her response!
I was so relieved when she said “Sure…that works for me too” and it opened me up to going to the pool with my 83-year-old Mom and thinking to myself “I want to be like her when I grow up!”
I’ve been “tagged” by a friend as possessing the Talents, Gifts, and Abilities of being kind, compassionate, caring and willing to do almost anything for others but, she goes on, I don’t allow myself to FEEL. How is it possible to not FEEL when you are doing so much for others around the world?
Well, opening your heart up to really feel emotions so that you can RECEIVE what is in store for you is totally different than opening your heart up to GIVE to others. But is it? In the “energy realm” giving and receiving are supposed to be the same but if you close yourself off to receiving then you’re stopping the flow of energy and you’re thwarting the flow of complete joy and happiness and for me that manifests in OVERWHELM and a desire to pull back, isolate, and eat bonbons while watching a Hallmark movie! I can usually sit there for about 30 minutes and bask in the “laziness” of it all and then my brain kicks in and tells my body to GET UP…get moving…be productive. ARGH! Leave me alone, at least until the kiss at the end – there’s always a kiss at the end of a Hallmark movie and for me sometimes that is happiness!!
So, back to FEELING and opening up to true emotions – can YOU do it? Try this exercise along with me.
Question: How do you feel when you’re counting on someone to do something and they don’t do it?
Answer: I feel frustrated.
Question: What does feeling frustrated FEEL like?
Answer: How do I feel when I feel frustrated? Hmmmmm. I guess for a moment I might have felt angry, maybe? But only because, oh, I don’t know… I don’t stay angry. I had a lot to do and they messed up my schedule.
Question: No, no, stay with your FEELINGS, don’t move on! What does angry feel like? You felt disrespected, didn’t you!
Well, do you get my point? I’m the master of running away from my feeling and the frustration, disrespect, and disappointment that comes along with not fully feeling my way through a problem leads me to giving up and I’m not a “giver upper! Giving up means FAILURE and I certainly DON”T want to FEEL that! Do you?
Why not? Is there something wrong with failing? I guess for me, failure is not an option. Failure lets my parents down. (Really? I’m 60 years old and that’s still running around in my head?) Have I missed my potential when I fail? Does failure mean others think “less of me” and heaven forbid that happens? Giving up to failure is giving my power away. Where is MY POWER? Why is it important to have it?
For me, my power is to be in control – of me, and yes, my company, and perhaps, my family, although I’ve been told I have NO control over anything but myself! It’s important to have my power in doing for myself. It’s important to let go of some people in my life sometimes because then I have room to let others come into my sphere of influence and maybe they need to be there for a season or for a reason!
Is there a reason we have situations in our life where we lose our power? Is there a reason we don’t accept and approve of ourselves? Oh my, is there a reason we don’t want to show the cracks in our life? YES! The universe is saying we aren’t PERFECT…what a light bulb moment! FEEL that…we AREN”T PERFECT and that’s okay. I’m not perfect but I want to be the best version of myself and that’s okay but with that, I’ve got to acknowledge that failure is okay because it’s just a stepping stone to greatness! Just remember to move forward and step UP into your greatness. Feel your greatness from your head to your toes.
Oh, but I need to be humble so others…Oh my goodness, STOP that! Feel your greatness and believe you are living your purpose. If you aren’t living your purpose, then find it! Your purpose will give you your power and that is greatness! Now is the time to STAND UP in your POWER and if you need to “return to sender”, then do it! Find a little joy in sitting under a big tree and watching the clouds go by. Today my dad and I saw a “stingray” floating along at 10000 feet! Yesterday my mom and I floated in the pool with our noodles and just talked. Making memories and taking control of who you spend your time with is within your power and within your control. Just DO IT and enjoy.
Debby B. Montgomery Florida U.S.A.
Feel free to leave a comment for Debby Montgomery or SCARS in the comments below!
TAGS: Debby B. Montgomery, Your Power, Recovery, Helping Others, Feeling, In Control, My Power, Self-Help, Syndrome
SCARS, RSN, Romance Scams Now, SCARS|GLOBAL, SCARS, Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams, Society of Citizens Against Romance Scams, SCARS|ANYSCAM, Project Anyscam, Anyscam, SCARS|GOFCH, GOFCH, SCARS|CHINA, SCARS|CDN, SCARS Cybercriminal Data Network, Cobalt Alert, Scam Victims Support Group, are all trademarks of Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Incorporated.
Contact the law firm for the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Incorporated by email at legal@AgainstScams.org
on Hindsight Bias! You Knew It All The Time!: “I was completely blindsided by my scam. I believed, for months, that I was helping someone out and that my…” May 17, 16:18
on Disengaging From A Fake Scam Relationship: “This is a great article about disconnecting with the criminals and reconnecting with yourself. SCARS has become the best substitute…” May 15, 17:22
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this article is intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
SCARS Institute’s Encyclopedia of Scams™ Published Continuously for 25 Years
A SCARS™ Guest Editorial By Debby B. Montgomery
The following is a Guest Editorial by Debby B. Montgomery – a leading Anti-Scam Victims Advocate, Best-Selling Author, Nationally Recognized Speaker & Lecturer, and Scam Survivor. Debby plays a leading role in directly helping scam victims to recover, and is both an Advisor and a soon-to-be Board Member of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
Have You Lost Your Power!
Have you experienced burnout, fatigue, or just the “I don’t want to do that” syndrome?
We are so darn busy that we probably don’t allow ourselves to feel those negative feelings and if, by chance, we do feel them, then we feel terrible about it and we feel overwhelmed, isolated, or just plain AWFUL! We feel like we’re not doing our best, that we’re lazy or that we’re going to let someone down. We certainly can’t do that, can we?
What if someone told you to take the negative energy that’s surrounding you and “Return to Sender with Conscious Intent! (Thanks Dawn C. Meyer!) I LOVE that! Just give back what doesn’t really belong to YOU – return all that energy to the universe and let the universe recycle it.
Think about when you’re bogged down with things that other people are placing on you and you’re feeling the burden and the overwhelm of not getting things done – if you are feeling “heavy” and can’t even remember if you had breakfast – this morning – then perhaps it’s time to unload. It’s time to STOP, RESET, SAY NO, RESCHEDULE, and then do something that will make you feel happy! For one friend of mine, it’s eating ice cream. For my husband, it’s playing golf on a Thursday afternoon. For me, keep on reading and you’ll find out soon!
Yesterday I had several meetings and they were pushed back throughout the day and my schedule changed. I started feeling overwhelmed because I had a telephone meeting scheduled for 4:30 pm and I hadn’t gotten everything done for that meeting. In the meantime I had to take friends to the airport by 4:00 pm, then pick up my son and drive him to his house, and then get to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. I could have accomplished all that was required, but I FELT heavy – mentally stressed and I didn’t want to disappoint my business partner, so I sent a text and asked her to reschedule. I sat on pins and needles until I got her response!
I was so relieved when she said “Sure…that works for me too” and it opened me up to going to the pool with my 83-year-old Mom and thinking to myself “I want to be like her when I grow up!”
I’ve been “tagged” by a friend as possessing the Talents, Gifts, and Abilities of being kind, compassionate, caring and willing to do almost anything for others but, she goes on, I don’t allow myself to FEEL. How is it possible to not FEEL when you are doing so much for others around the world?
Well, opening your heart up to really feel emotions so that you can RECEIVE what is in store for you is totally different than opening your heart up to GIVE to others. But is it? In the “energy realm” giving and receiving are supposed to be the same but if you close yourself off to receiving then you’re stopping the flow of energy and you’re thwarting the flow of complete joy and happiness and for me that manifests in OVERWHELM and a desire to pull back, isolate, and eat bonbons while watching a Hallmark movie! I can usually sit there for about 30 minutes and bask in the “laziness” of it all and then my brain kicks in and tells my body to GET UP…get moving…be productive. ARGH! Leave me alone, at least until the kiss at the end – there’s always a kiss at the end of a Hallmark movie and for me sometimes that is happiness!!
So, back to FEELING and opening up to true emotions – can YOU do it? Try this exercise along with me.
Question: How do you feel when you’re counting on someone to do something and they don’t do it?
Answer: I feel frustrated.
Question: What does feeling frustrated FEEL like?
Answer: How do I feel when I feel frustrated? Hmmmmm. I guess for a moment I might have felt angry, maybe? But only because, oh, I don’t know… I don’t stay angry. I had a lot to do and they messed up my schedule.
Question: No, no, stay with your FEELINGS, don’t move on! What does angry feel like? You felt disrespected, didn’t you!
Well, do you get my point? I’m the master of running away from my feeling and the frustration, disrespect, and disappointment that comes along with not fully feeling my way through a problem leads me to giving up and I’m not a “giver upper! Giving up means FAILURE and I certainly DON”T want to FEEL that! Do you?
Why not? Is there something wrong with failing? I guess for me, failure is not an option. Failure lets my parents down. (Really? I’m 60 years old and that’s still running around in my head?) Have I missed my potential when I fail? Does failure mean others think “less of me” and heaven forbid that happens? Giving up to failure is giving my power away. Where is MY POWER? Why is it important to have it?
For me, my power is to be in control – of me, and yes, my company, and perhaps, my family, although I’ve been told I have NO control over anything but myself! It’s important to have my power in doing for myself. It’s important to let go of some people in my life sometimes because then I have room to let others come into my sphere of influence and maybe they need to be there for a season or for a reason!
Is there a reason we have situations in our life where we lose our power? Is there a reason we don’t accept and approve of ourselves? Oh my, is there a reason we don’t want to show the cracks in our life? YES! The universe is saying we aren’t PERFECT…what a light bulb moment! FEEL that…we AREN”T PERFECT and that’s okay. I’m not perfect but I want to be the best version of myself and that’s okay but with that, I’ve got to acknowledge that failure is okay because it’s just a stepping stone to greatness! Just remember to move forward and step UP into your greatness. Feel your greatness from your head to your toes.
Oh, but I need to be humble so others…Oh my goodness, STOP that! Feel your greatness and believe you are living your purpose. If you aren’t living your purpose, then find it! Your purpose will give you your power and that is greatness! Now is the time to STAND UP in your POWER and if you need to “return to sender”, then do it! Find a little joy in sitting under a big tree and watching the clouds go by. Today my dad and I saw a “stingray” floating along at 10000 feet! Yesterday my mom and I floated in the pool with our noodles and just talked. Making memories and taking control of who you spend your time with is within your power and within your control. Just DO IT and enjoy.
Debby B. Montgomery
Florida U.S.A.
Feel free to leave a comment for Debby Montgomery or SCARS in the comments below!
TAGS: Debby B. Montgomery, Your Power, Recovery, Helping Others, Feeling, In Control, My Power, Self-Help, Syndrome
END
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FAQ: How Do You Properly Report Scammers?
It is essential that law enforcement knows about scams & scammers, even though there is nothing (in most cases) that they can do.
Always report scams involving money lost or where you received money to:
This helps your government understand the problem, and allows law enforcement to add scammers on watch lists worldwide.
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Visit our NEW Main SCARS Facebook page for much more information about scams and online crime: www.facebook.com/SCARS.News.And.Information
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Please be sure to report all scammers HERE or on www.Anyscam.com
All original content is Copyright © 1991 – 2020 SCARS All Rights Reserved Worldwide & Webwide – RSN/Romance Scams Now & SCARS/Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams are all trademarks of Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Incorporated (formerly the Society of Citizens Against Romance Scams)
Legal Notices:
All original content is Copyright © 1991 – 2020 SCARS All Rights Reserved Worldwide & Webwide. Third-party copyrights acknowledge.
SCARS, RSN, Romance Scams Now, SCARS|GLOBAL, SCARS, Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams, Society of Citizens Against Romance Scams, SCARS|ANYSCAM, Project Anyscam, Anyscam, SCARS|GOFCH, GOFCH, SCARS|CHINA, SCARS|CDN, SCARS Cybercriminal Data Network, Cobalt Alert, Scam Victims Support Group, are all trademarks of Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Incorporated.
Contact the law firm for the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Incorporated by email at legal@AgainstScams.org
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this article is intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here to go to our ScamsNOW.com website.
If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.