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A Commentary On Life
We Live In This World Of Our Own Creation
Many of us complain that we had nothing to do with it, it was this way when we got here and has not changed with our journey through life, and will not change with our passing.
I came to a realization recently about my own life and those of the people I have connected with over the years and in the creation of my career, my business, and SCARS that I thought I would share.
Why because I think there is something important in it.
Why do scams happen?
Is it because trusting people are taken advantage of? Yes, certainly, but also no, I do not think so.
I believe that scams happen because of a fundamental human need.
Regardless of the risks, human beings need something just as much as they need food and water, warmth and shelter.
They need a connection.
We, humans, are willing to do almost anything to obtain it.
Each of us needs a connection to others to survive.
In today’s world, it is so easy to strip away our connections. They fade away without us even being aware of it. Family, friends, even children go away. It’s not that they die, but they might as well – they are just gone from our lives. Of course, you can pick up the phone and call them, or maybe every few months when they realize the void in their lives they call you.
But ask yourself this? If you died right now, how long would it be before someone discovered the body?
For far too many, it would be weeks. The smell would be the thing that brought the police, not the concern of family or friends.
I recently came to the conclusion that I have no friends, no real friends, not the way we really think of them. Not the friends that people see regularly, go to lunch with, have a drink with, speak with daily. Don’t misunderstand, I have plenty of people I interact with all the time.
But are they real friends? No. They are coworkers, bosses, clients, etc. To be sure, I trust them, I count on them, I value them. They might note my absence but would not call the police to check on me, much less come and knock on my door. I no longer have any of those.
That is not to say I do not value or trust them. I appreciate each one immensely. But they are not the kind of real connections I wish I had.
Where did all of our connections go?
Were they ever that kind of connection?
What about family?
I have a large one. Hundreds of people. But it is not a family. Not even my children. Everyone has spread themselves to the four corners of the country or world. I did that too.
Some speak with me annually, some have not spoken with me for many years. Even my own children do not speak with me more than a few times a month, and in many of those cases, I have to call. Easily a week or two can go by without contact.
I regret incredibly, more than I can say, how much I wished I had spoken with my own parents more often before their passing.
Clearly, something is wrong with this world. Something is wrong with us. Something is wrong with me.
Did we do this to ourselves or did society do it to us?
We are increasingly a society of narcissists, focused on ourselves and our needs and no one else’s. Of course, we tell ourselves something quite different, but that is the day to day reality for most of us in the developed countries. The distances are beyond the point of no return. Most of us are more connected with characters on TV than our own family. We spend more time in the lives of fictional characters each day than in the lives of those we say we love. We did that, no one did it to us.
Politicians know this, especially those on the left who exploit our disconnection as a means of fomenting disaffection. They promise that only they can provide for us. But we don’t need them, we need connections and the rest will take care of itself. Long before we had a welfare state we had communities where villagers took care of their others, or was that fiction as well? We at least tended to stay put and so developed connected communities with real people we connected with and counted on every day.
It is ironic that the technology that was supposed to bring the whole world together has actually driven us farther apart. We used to understand distance, but we lost that. We used to understand loss, but we forgot that too – everything is instantly available online – but that is not connection. That is actually a disconnection – intermediation, but we used to be connected.
We used to understand communication. 50 years ago placing a phone call was a big deal and everyone wanted to talk. We planned our calls, even made appointments. We wrote letters with meaning and substance. Now a call is nothing. There are no letters, just fractional texts. We have lost how to communicate meaningfully with feeling and truth.
Don’t misunderstand, we all have affiliations, acquaintances, people we know – but those are not real connections. A marriage, if it is a good one has connection. But those disappear too.
What are we left with?
Are we just minds in a MATRIX of our own or someone else’s creation?
This brings us back to romance scams.
In a world of fundamental disconnection, we understand that something is missing. We know deep down inside that we feel more alone than ever. Yet, connection escapes us in the real world.
We are willing to risk anything for a connection.
Yet, the real world makes it harder than ever. If you are a man, you are scared to death to talk to a woman now – thank you Feminism. In the zeal for equality, everyone is more unequal than ever. Some of it needed to be lost – people are bullies and pressure people into situations that are uncomfortable, or worse. Yet at the same time, we have lost something so simple as just being able to talk to someone of the opposite sex without fear – every word must be measured and calculated not to offend. That is not to say that great things have not been achieved, they have, but everything comes at a cost.
If you are a woman then you are just as afraid as society paints men as violent and evil wrongdoers. Some are, but most are not.
We, therefore, turn to the online world where we believe it is safe to talk, where the risks seem lower. We can connect with people everywhere on the planet, but are those connections? Are they friends? Not really, because in the end what do we know of them?
Regardless, we think there has to be a connection out there in cyberspace for us.
We search and open ourselves up to the potential. A stranger comes along, and we are so needy, so desperate for a connection, any connection, that we ignore the risks, we ignore the red flags.
We see and hear things that do not feel right, but we ignore the obvious deception. We hunger so much for that connection that all other considerations fade away and we live in the glow of the connection – even if it is fake. For in those few days or weeks or months, we have a connection, we have something, even if it is only in your head.
Of course, after the romance scam, our connections are fewer and the barriers are greater.
Naturally, trust goes out the window. We hate ourselves. We blame EVERYONE, including ourselves. And in the end, there is less of a feeling of connection than ever.
Maybe this is just the sentiments of someone that realizes that their connections have gone. Maybe it is just someone that is facing their own demons.
But in this inward view looking out at the world, maybe there is a truth that we are not where we want to be.
Who’s fault is that?
Society’s? Civilization’s? The Universe’s? God’s?
At least on some level, it is our fault – we let this happen and it is up to us to fix it.
Re-connecting will not be easy, it will actually be extremely easy, you just have to make the effort!
It starts by fixing the connections you have, one by one. Pick a person and be a pain in the butt. Go see them, or at least call them. Turn it into a habit. Make yourself a part of their life. Make it a permanent connection.
You can do it. It is easy.
Then one by one you reconnect with the rest.
For most scam victims, the loss of connection is the most difficult thing you face, but you can fix it. You just need to make it happen.
Stop being afraid and just do it!
Hopefully, this 3am deep thought commentary will have been of some value to you. This is what SCARS is here for.
SCARS is not here to fix you. We are just here to shine a flashlight in the night down the Yellow Brick Road.
Hopefully, you will find a way to reconnect with the real people that are there just waiting for you.
We wish you all the best in your journey.
Dr. Tim McGuinness,
Chairman and Founder,
Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. [SCARS]
A nonprofit registered online crime victims’ assistance NGO building connections one survivor at a time!
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TAGS: SCARS, Dr. Tim McGuinness, Deep Thoughts, 3am, Commentary, Editorials, Opinion, OpEd, Connections, Disconnections, Reconnections, Our Lives, Who’s Fault Is It,