
SCARS Institute’s Encyclopedia of Scams™ Published Continuously for 25 Years

Coping with the Holidays After the End of a Relationship
Portions courtesy of NOVA – National Organization for Victims’ Assistance
When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays
Many among us have struggled with the cloud of sadness that hangs over the holidays after a loved one has died or a relationship has ended suddenly. Sometimes a romance scam being discovered is like the other person died – so complete is the ending, without warning, and without any possibility of recovery.
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the onslaught of holiday cheer may seem too much to bear. Holidays can give rise to new or returning bouts of depression, panic attacks, and other forms of anxiety for those whose lives have been affected.
Many of us often re-experience life-changing trauma through flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming sadness. Some have trouble sleeping, while others don’t want to get out of bed. Tears come easily, often when least expected. Old ailments, including headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and aches and pain may return.
Those who have made this difficult journey offer the following suggestions to help those who may be just starting down this path. Many were surprised to discover that the anticipation of a holiday without that relationship can be harder than the actual holiday itself. Holidays can be manageable if you take charge of the season, rather than letting it take charge of you
Things You Can Do
Change Traditions
Trying to make this holiday seem like holidays of the past, especially during the scam, will only intensify the difference. You can decide which traditions you want to keep and which ones you want to let go. If there was something special that you did during a holiday during the fake relationship, you can wilfully abandon it now.
Change holiday plans to accommodate the needs and wishes of those who are hurting the most.
Create a Special Tribute To Your Recovery
You do not need to explain it to anyone, but you can light a special candle and place it on a holiday table to honor your struggle and recovery.
Some write a remembrance at the end of the year to both remember the wrong done and to bury the past. You can then burn the remembrance in the fireplace or by hand and place it in a bowl to watch it until it is reduced to ashes. Or you can create a more elaborate “Viking Funeral” to make the end of it in your own mind.
Plan Where to Spend the Holidays
Many people think going away will make the holidays easier following a relationship or a romance scam. This may be helpful if you are traveling to a
place where you will feel loved and nurtured. However, if travel is arranged as a means of trying to avoid the holiday atmosphere, remember that holidays are celebrated throughout the world. It is impossible to escape holiday reminders entirely.
There are two schools of thought on going somewhere to help you recover. One is to go to where you feel safe, such as visiting parents or family. The other is to create new memories by going someplace completely new, but be careful of this, being alone is not always advisable.
Balance Solitude with Sociability
Rest and solitude can help renew strength. Friends and family, however, can be a wonderful source of support, especially if they accept you as you are and do not tell you how they think you should feel, or that they “understand” how you feel. If you are invited to holiday outings, try to go. Attend musical or other cultural events that lift your spirits. You may surprise yourself by enjoying special outings, even if you feel like crying later.
Relive Fond Memories
It is a heavy and unrealistic burden to go through the holidays pretending that nothing has happened.
Think about holiday seasons you have enjoyed in the past and identify memories you want to hold in your heart forever. No one can take those away from you. Celebrate them and be grateful. If feelings of sadness pop up at inappropriate times, such as at work or in a public gathering, try thinking about what you have rather than what you no longer have. Focus on the blessing of the memories in your heart.
Set Aside Some “Letting Go” Time
Schedule time to be alone and release sad and lonely pent-up feelings. You may want to cry or write about your thoughts and feelings. You may choose to write a letter to your scammer to say “goodbye,” “I forgive you,” or “I’m sorry.” Allow your emotions to flow through your pen. You may be surprised at what you write. By setting aside special times to allow painful feelings to surface, it becomes easier to postpone expressing them in public.
Counter the Conspiracy of Silence
Family members may consciously or unconsciously conspire to avoid mentioning the scam. This is usually a well-intentioned but misguided attempt to protect your feelings. If this seems to be happening, take the initiative and talk to your family about the importance of talking openly about what has happened. Tell them that it is ook to ask how you are and how your recovery is going.
Never let yourself or anyone refer to them as “He/Him” or “She/Her” – it was not one scammer, always refer to them as “They/Them.”
Notice the Positive
Some people conclude that facing the holidays is simply “awful.”
By deciding prematurely that “everything about life is awful,” you are generalizing irrationally from your personal tragedy. Although you may have difficult times during the holidays, you also may experience joy. Accept the love and care of others. Reach out to someone else who is suffering or hurting. Give yourself permission to feel sad and to experience joy.
Find a Creative Outlet
If you have difficulty talking about your feelings, look for a creative way to express yourself. Write a memorial poem or story that you can share with others. Buy watercolors or oils and put your feelings on paper or canvas, even if it’s only splashes of color. Contribute to a favorite charity or organization, either financially or by volunteering to help. Buy gifts to take to less fortunate children, a hospital, or a nursing home.
Protect Your Health
Physical and emotional stress changes the chemical balance in your system and can make you ill. Eat healthy food and avoid over-indulging in sweets. Drink plenty of water, even if you don’t feel thirsty.
Try to avoid too much alcohol, which can be a depressant. Take a good multi-vitamin. Get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Talk with your doctor about an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication if you think it will help. If you are unsure about how the medication will affect you, talk to your doctor about your
concerns.
Utilize Available Resources
People of faith are encouraged to observe services and rituals offered by their church, synagogue or temple, mosque, or other faith community. Many “veterans of faith” can offer you serenity, a quiet presence, and healing wisdom. You may want to look for a support group of persons who have suffered similar experiences – SCARS offers support groups in English and Spanish, as well as other languages through our partner organizations.
The Mental Health Association or your local hospital in most communities has a list of local support groups that may be more easily accessed during the holidays.
The most valuable helper is usually someone who shares a common experience or understands something about what you’re going through. Spend as much time as possible with the people you love the most.
Remember
Most important, remember that you can’t change the past, but you can take charge of the present, and shape the future. Total recovery may not be immediately possible, but what you make of your trauma can be largely up to you
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
- Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
- Enroll in FREE SCARS Scam Survivor’s School now at www.SCARSeducation.org
- Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this article is intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here to go to our ScamsNOW.com website.
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